Hey John,
Try to remember that all of this is stated in the AIM and various FAA publications. No need to get frustrated. Here's a quick break down:
- On departure, you should expect to be switched to departure no later than one mile past the departure end of runway.
- VFR arrivals should expect to be switched within 10NM and no less then 5NM from the airport.
- IFR arrivals should expect to be switched within 7NM, at the FAF for instrument approaches, and no less than 5NM from the airport, whichever is furthest.
Feel free to prompt the controller beyond these points, but be patient, it may be intentional.
- for most other things like pattern entry/departure, there are published standards in the absence of ATC instructions that you should follow on your own.
Take the initiative to be compliant with the FARs and standard procedures. When in doubt, check the AIM.